The other day I had the opportunity to fly a new upstart airline called Mythical Airlines between Mars, Pennsylvania and Jupiter, Florida. This was not a regional jet service but a truly out-of-this-world experience . . . big planes and a tight schedule. As Thanksgiving approaches along with the busiest air travel days of the year I thought it would be appropriate to share with you the Schedule of Fees charged by Mythical Airlines. It looks like a harbinger of where fees for all of the airlines will be very soon.
Mythical has implemented the “mini-bar” approach that is used in a number of higher-end hotels. You simply pay for whatever services you use. Your credit card is swiped at the beginning of the flight (sorry, you can’t fly without a credit card – no cash allowed) and a digital image of your fingerprints are captured instantaneously. Then, a computer monitors everything you touch on the flight – literally – and your credit card is charged for whatever you use. Now, here is the Schedule of Charges.
Pillow – $3.00. Blanket – $4.00. First bag – $20.00. Second bag – $25.00. Third bag – $30.00 (yes they actually encourage more bags at $5.00 more per bag). If you take off your jacket and put it in the overhead bin – $2.50. Candy bar – $4.00. Crackers – $2.00. Apple – $3.00. Coffee (Starbucks) – $11.00. Coffee (generic) – $2.00. Soda – $3.00. Water – $1.75. Headphones – $4.00 (but no movie). Movie – $13.95. Use of lavatory – $5.00 if you do #1 and $40.00 if you do #2. Toilet paper – $.50 per sheet. Oxygen mask – $5.00 (if not used), $75.00 (if used). Seat belt – $3.00 (per click). Reading light – $1.50. Flight attendant call button – $80.00 (per push). Heat or air conditioning vent – $7.00. Tray table – $6.00 (per usage). In flight phone – $65.00 per minute. Seat recliner – $3.75 per deployment. In flight magazine – $4.00 (current edition), $3.00 (older issues).
Use of Jetway™ – $4.50, or alternatively, use of flight stairs – $1.00. Conversation with seat mates – $.50 per word. Use of window shade – $2.75. If you wear polyester – $3.00. If you wear white socks with black shoes – $7.00. Mustaches – $2.87. Beards – $3.17. If you have a scraggly pseudo-mustache/beard thing going – $3.06. Women who haven’t shaved their legs – $17.58. One earring (men) – $4.11, two earrings (men) – $7.67. Women’s earrings – $4.00 per hole. At the end of the Schedule of Fees the following statement can be found. Breathing everyone’s CO2, B.O., flatulence and other unknown bodily emissions – FREE! Enjoy your flight.
Happy trails.










