I pay a princely sum of money each year to belong to a car wash club. I pay the same amount for my wife to belong to the same club. No, there’s no secret handshake or special ritual that is required to belong to this club. But there are benefits. For starters, we get a nickel per gallon discount on our gasoline purchases. And, we receive discounts on a variety of different types of car washes. We’ve belonged to this club for a number of years and have generally believed that we receive good value. Once after a particularly poor bout with customer service I wrote one of my favorite Dr. Pistoph letters. The area manager sent me a very nice response and a couple of coupons for upgraded washes – good move.

But lately I’ve become P.O.’d about a pervasive injustice that plagues this chain of car washes. Here’s the Cliff Notes version. I usually buy my gasoline at these car washes once a week. Then I run my car through the wash bay. Except that by the time I finish filling up with gas there’s usually a line of cars from here to next Thursday. And guess what? Nearly every one of them drove right into the wash bay without purchasing gas. This is infuriating. Yes, yes, they are entitled to buy a car wash the same as the next guy. But how about giving us club members our own line so we don’t have to wait behind all of these interlopers?

I can just hear some of you snickering right now. “What a ridiculous piddling little thing to get worked up over,” you exclaim. Well I have an exclamation for you and it’s unprintable. You must understand that as we get older some of us (me in particular) have much less patience for what seems to us (me) as a lack of good old fashioned common sense. Why should I have to tell the 14 year-olds running the car wash that they should be more sensitive to their club members? After all, isn’t that what they’re paid $8.50 an hour to do? Oh, and by the way; that a-hole who cut in front of me the last time I visited the car wash is going to get a surprise the next time I see him. You know who you are. You refused to look at me after committing your dastardly deed. I have something for you. I’ll roll my window down and all you have to do is get within three feet of my car. Come on. Just a little closer . . .

This is rich. The Messiah and Anointed One, our make-believe president and future Heisman Trophy winner went to Copenhagen and helped Chicago lose the 2016 Olympic Games. And in December he’ll go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace Prize for trashing America during speeches that he made while on foreign soil. Since he took office, The Messiah and Anointed One has visited Canada, England, France, the Czech Republic, Turkey, Mexico, Trinidad and Tobago, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Russia, Ghana and Italy. But there’s a glaring omission in this list. Do you know what it is?

Berlin. Twenty years ago the Berlin Wall fell, symbolizing freedom for tens of millions of Europeans who had lived for decades under the oppression of a Communist regime. As a result of the efforts of a super patriot, one Ronald Wilson Reagan, the Soviet Union imploded. Mikhail Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union oversaw the removal of one of the last remnants of an evil era.  

So, why would the Messiah and Anointed One, our make-believe president and future Heisman Trophy winner choose not to go to Berlin to commemorate such a monumental achievement? I think we all know the reason. This guy would rather consort with the likes of Bill Ayers, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, ACORN and the SEIU. In fact, his agenda is scarily similar to the principles on which the USSR was founded. How would it look for him to go to Berlin and embrace an event that led to the downfall of the very socialism in Europe that he wants to promote here in the United States? Once again, his true colors are showing. Unfortunately they aren’t the colors of our great country. Hopefully this will be one more wake-up call for all Americans to un-elect the Nancy Pelosis and Harry Reids in our Congress who are doing their best to undermine our liberty and freedom. Without them, the current occupant of the White House won’t be able to implement his radical policies and then we can put a True American in the Oval Office on January 20, 2013.

Recently I wrote about how modern day television sucks. And that got me to look further into this phenomenon. As you know I do a lot of research. Lately I’ve been in triple research overtime. Folks, I’m talking serious research. And here’s what I’ve discovered. Reality TV shows are so pathetic and lame that a blind monkey could write a better script. Now I’m not blind and I wasn’t a monkey the last time I checked. But I think I too can write a better script. So here goes.

The setting is a floating garbage barge in New York Harbor. The characters include a loud-mouthed, obnoxious whackjob (played by a Rosie O’Donnell look-alike); a timid milquetoast little mouse of a man (played by a Tom Cruise-type); a dark, conniving, evil murderer (played by a spitting image of Stephen Colbert); a stereotypical ditzy bimbo (played by the identical twin of Britney Spears), and a Godfather type (played by the corpse of the late Marlon Brando).

The opening scene has the Rosie O’Donnell look-alike whacking the Tom Cruise-type with a piece of moldy French bread and screeching, “You little weasel, you stole my feather boa!” She chases the Cruise guy up over a mound of dirty diapers and medical waste and they disappear into the hazy sunset framed by a silhouette of the Verrazono-Narrows Bridge. Meanwhile, the spitting image of Colbert pokes his head out of his hidey hole, hollowed out of a stinky pile of chicken gizzards from a nearby processing plant. And thus the season begins.

The next morning finds the identical twin of Britney Spears in a bikini catching a few rays as she lies in an alluring pose on an old moth-eaten sofa surrounded by orange peels and coffee grounds. Suddenly the camera zooms in on the corpse of Marlon Brando and fades to black. And so it goes for excruciating episode after excruciating episode. Without a doubt the ratings will be better than Survivor: Samoa, The Biggest Loser, American Idol, and Real Housewives combined. This is the highest quality in television brought to you by Dr. I. M. Pistoph, world-renowned author of the best-seller, The 247 Things in Life That Piss Me Off! Bravo, bravo! Encore, encore! I take a bow. The end.

Are you happy with the way your city spends your money? How many large cities are trying to install light rail systems for hundreds of millions if not billions of dollars? Cities of all sizes are constructing walking trails. Then there are transportation services that cost more per passenger than were the city to hire a taxicab. And while they’re at it, perhaps the purchase of an exotic new animal for the local zoo is in order. Then there’s Ann Arbor, Michigan where 1% of public building projects shall be set aside (up to $250,000) for public art. Ann Arbor’s not alone. I’m willing to bet that there are countless stories of cities spending money on art.

Sure, some of these expenditures may enhance the livability of our cities and towns. However, my beef is with the priorities or lack thereof. Is every stoplight in your town properly synchronized? Is every pothole filled? Does every streetlight burn? What sort of shape are your sewers in? Are your taxes low? How’s the crime rate? Would a few more police officers help?

For some reason elected officials in many cities seem to forget what the voters put them in office to do . . . and that is provide good quality basic services at the lowest possible cost. No frills. No B.S. No excuses. Instead, these “officials” attend municipal conferences and learn about new ways to spend money. They read “high-level” research reports and learn about new ways to spend money. And they get invited to fancy parties where people whisper “ideas” into their ears about new ways to spend money.

Somewhere along the line our city fathers have lost their way (and their sanity). Those of you who want a bike path – ante up and build one yourselves. Those of you who want a midnight basketball program – cough up and pay for it yourselves. Those of you who want to install wireless Internet service that is provided free of charge to the entire city – open your wallet and pay for it yourselves. I’m fed up with waiting at traffic lights when not another car is within two blocks because rather than installing smart lights some numbnuts chose to spend money on a float for a parade instead. Throw the bums out! Every single one of them.

AN ODE TO DOOM

 

The autumn air,

So crisp and cool.

I’ve been raking leaves,

Like a fool.

 

Now the trees,

They look so nude.

But I’m still raking,

Like a stupid dude.

 

When will I learn,

That the time has come.

To fly away south,

And stop being so dumb.

 

For in a few weeks,

The snow will be near.

And I will be pissed,

That I am still here.

Today’s television shows suck. Yeah, I’m showing my age but it’s true. The TV programs we watched 30 to 40 years ago were terrific by today’s standards. I truly enjoyed the mindless comedy of Gilligan’s Island and Hogan’s Heroes; rugged Westerns like Have Gun Will Travel and Rawhide; exciting thrillers such as Mission: Impossible (the real version) and the Twilight Zone; and terrific variety shows like the Ed Sullivan Show and the Carol Burnett Show. 

There’s no doubt that some of these shows were over the line in terms of prudishness. And there was no shortage of schmaltz and corniness. Yet, it was kind of reassuring living in an age of innocent entertainment. Parents didn’t have to worry about what their kids were watching on television and kids were more likely to read, play outside and partake of other activities. Why? Because for many years most of us could only receive three network channels (and maybe a UHF channel). At the end of the evening, most television stations signed off the air playing the Star Spangled Banner and then displaying a test pattern.  

Now we are treated to 437,682 channels playing 24-hours a day with some of the most mindless drivel known to mankind. In real life much of what we watch on TV today could never happen. This includes the alleged “reality TV shows.” Years ago, Barbara Eden was never allowed to show her navel in the show, I Dream of Jeannie. Until recently we had a show that actually included the word SEX in its name – Sex and the City. In the old days bad guys might be shot, but no one ever seemed to die. Matt Dillon shot and killed a few gunslingers in Gunsmoke but you rarely saw any blood and it was clear that it was done in the name of justice and all that is good. Today we have numerous CSI programs that leave nothing to the imagination when it comes to blood and guts.

Modern day plots are predictable and often political. Actors and actresses are poster boys and girls for bad behavior and advocates for wacky causes. Back in the day, Andy Griffith, Jackie Gleason, Lorne Greene, Lucille Ball and Marion Ross lived to entertain us. Now, Pierce Brosnan shills for the environmental movement; Sean Penn is a stooge for Hugo Chavez; Sally Field is a peacenik; Charlie Sheen doesn’t believe that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by Islamic terrorists, and Gwyneth Paltrow believes that shampoo causes cancer. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

How bad has it become? I think that the worst television show in history must be Jon & Kate Plus Eight.  Don’t we have anything better to watch than a real-life married couple dragging their family through a real-life divorce? Unbelievable. Pass the Pepto-Bismal . . . I think I’m gonna puke.

The subject I’m going to discuss is highly sensitive. I may offend some people. But I probably don’t care. This is a matter of callous exploitation and needs to be exposed for all the world to see. It involves outrageous behavior on the part of a few. Wrongs must be righted here!

How many of you have seen a car drive into a handicapped parking space, the driver hops out and goes into the building he or she is visiting without any apparent physical ailment? But this person isn’t parking illegally because he or she has a handicapped tag hanging from his rearview mirror. So what’s the problem you ask? A certain percentage of these people have absolutely nothing physically wrong with them. I know, I know. Some of the “handicapped” parkers might have a heart or respiratory condition. Maybe some of them are even blind. But that doesn’t explain how some of them are handicapped to the extent that they need a special parking permit, yet they can pop the trunk and carry in large and heavy objects.

I wonder how many of these mental giants have lifted the parking permit from an elderly parent, a handicapped friend or other relative. How many brother-in-law doctors have diagnosed their “patient” as having a physical condition that requires the use of handicapped parking? This shows the degree to which our society has declined.  Able-bodied people have become so lazy that they stoop to theft or dishonesty to park a few steps closer to the front door of a business establishment, government office, church or some other facility. This is shameful. People who truly have a disability (yep, that’s the politically correct term) could be denied a parking space that they need and deserve. Let’s rise up against this abuse.

We need to create a new federal agency called the Handicapped Illegal Parking Police Organization (HIPPO). This agency would be funded with $70 billion and would hire 80,000 unemployed people who would fan out across the country and identify parkers who are using handicapped parking permits but really have no physical issues. They would be empowered to administer a twirling turban wedgie on the spot. I think this could work. Once again, Dr. Pistoph strikes a blow against injustice.

A funny thing has happened over the past several months. Remember when the catchphrase was “Global Warming?” We’re not hearing that phrase quite so much anymore. The current buzz phrase is “Climate Change.” Why do you suppose this change has been occurring in the media and with our politicians? Did the World’s Most Pompous Windbag, Al Gore, somehow invoke a trademark on the phrase “Global Warming” and prohibit anyone from using it unless he’s paid a billion dollars? Nope. Read on.

The primary reason for the change in terminology is because GLOBAL WARMING ISN’T HAPPENING! Scientists are now saying that the world has actually been cooling for a number of years. Many parts of the country had one of the coolest and wettest summers on record this year. The World’s Most Pompous Windbag and his ilk haven’t given up on trying to control yet another aspect of our lives. They’ve simply changed the reference to “Climate Change.” They are making claims that while it may be cooler right now, “Global Warming” is still lurking under the mat on the front porch.

The more I hear about this complete and total hoax the more I want to enlarge my Carbon Footprint . . . and I’m talking really huge. The size of Connecticut might be a good place to start. I’m sick of the wackos pushing energy efficient automobiles that look like tin cans on wheels. To go from 0 to 60 takes until Tuesday. I’m fed up with these environmental bedwetters lecturing us about wind power, bio-diesel fuels, painting our roofs white and endangered polar bears. All those in favor of having one of those polar bears chomp down on the rear end of the World’s Most Pompous Windbag, say “Aye.”

Climate change my gluteus maximus. Rather than listening to politicians we should be paying attention to REAL SCIENTISTS who agree that temperatures are not rising. It’s pretty arrogant for anyone to believe that mankind is so high and mighty that it can influence our climate in any significant way. Wise up folks. It’s time to rise up and debunk this hoax that is consuming our society.

Do you ever wonder about what we read, watch and hear in the news these days? Do you ever ponder exactly what the news really means? Well, I, Dr. I. M. Pistoph have a truly amazing gift. I am able to decipher the news with the greatest of ease and simplicity. Let’s take a look at some recent news stories and I will interpret them for you.

News Item #1 – 980 Pound Man Needs Life-Saving Operation. This British guy eats 20,000 calories-a-day. Now he’s a giant walrus and needs a $33,000 operation to save his life. What a crock! Take this guy to the London Zoo and let the buzzards and jackals perform their “surgery” on him. I’ll bet they can administer a pretty rapid weight loss program.

News Item #2 – Astronomers Find a Whopping 32 New Planets. Who cares?

News Item #3 – Oil Rises Above $80 to Hit One-Year High. So? The fat bastards over in Saudi Arabia put another gazillion dollars in their pockets, bought 80 more 747s along with half of Phoenix (it’s hot there too). Nothing new here.

News Item #4 – Police Use Blood Extracted From Leech to Solve Crime. This happened in Australia. Apparently some guy murdered an old woman and a leech dropped off of him providing DNA evidence showing that he was the murderer. I say strip the guy naked, tie him up, put him in a bathtub and dump in about a million leeches. No need for a trial.

News Item #5 – Balloon Boy. By now everyone has heard this story. A wacko father in Colorado made a large balloon; let it loose; created a media circus; told the crazed reporters that one of his kids might be in the balloon, and then the proverbial excrement hit the fan. This one is very simple. Send the wacko father up in the balloon about 1,000 miles above the Pacific Ocean.

Give me some real news and not this drivel. Sheesh.

I have some very simple advice for David Letterman. Go out in the parking lot and run over yourself with your car. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen someone who better epitomizes the term “washed-up old hack.” This guy purports to be a comedian. Unfortunately he’s a miserable piece of cow dung who is about as funny as the burning sensation of jock itch. I’d rather have open heart surgery and a root canal at the same time without anesthetic, than watch Letterman.

Why my strong disdain for David Leatherhead? Uh, let me count the ways. Here is a man who said that Sarah Palin had a “slutty flight attendant look.” And this despicable excuse for a human being attempted to make a joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter. The attempted-joke had to do with New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez raping Willow Palin. After stepping in it so badly, you would think that Leatherhead would refrain from going after Palin with any more jokes. Instead, he has continued to make her a regular target of his un-comedic material. His latest controversy involves his admission that he had sex with several members of his female staff and the revelation that he was being blackmailed by a CBS producer. You can’t make this stuff up!

What is so disturbing is that Leatherhead’s audience stubbornly sticks by him through all of this. It’s common knowledge that Leatherhead drinks the Kool-Aid dispensed by the Left. I really don’t give a flying fudge about his political leaning unlike many True Americans who are calling for his head. I just don’t understand why anyone with one single functioning brain cell would tune in to his show and give him a legitimate platform from which to spew forth his slander. Where is the National Organization for Women? Don’t they care that Leatherhead is continually denigrating and abusing women from Sarah Palin, to Willow Palin to his sexual relationships with female employees? The stench of hypocrisy here is overwhelming.