The other day I had the opportunity to fly a new upstart airline called Mythical Airlines between Mars, Pennsylvania and Jupiter, Florida. This was not a regional jet service but a truly out-of-this-world experience . . . big planes and a tight schedule. As Thanksgiving approaches along with the busiest air travel days of the year I thought it would be appropriate to share with you the Schedule of Fees charged by Mythical Airlines. It looks like a harbinger of where fees for all of the airlines will be very soon.

Mythical has implemented the “mini-bar” approach that is used in a number of higher-end hotels. You simply pay for whatever services you use. Your credit card is swiped at the beginning of the flight (sorry, you can’t fly without a credit card – no cash allowed) and a digital image of your fingerprints are captured instantaneously. Then, a computer monitors everything you touch on the flight – literally – and your credit card is charged for whatever you use. Now, here is the Schedule of Charges.

Pillow – $3.00. Blanket – $4.00. First bag – $20.00. Second bag – $25.00. Third bag – $30.00 (yes they actually encourage more bags at $5.00 more per bag). If you take off your jacket and put it in the overhead bin – $2.50. Candy bar – $4.00. Crackers – $2.00. Apple – $3.00. Coffee (Starbucks) – $11.00. Coffee (generic) – $2.00. Soda – $3.00. Water – $1.75. Headphones – $4.00 (but no movie). Movie – $13.95. Use of lavatory – $5.00 if you do #1 and $40.00 if you do #2. Toilet paper – $.50 per sheet. Oxygen mask – $5.00 (if not used), $75.00 (if used). Seat belt – $3.00 (per click). Reading light – $1.50. Flight attendant call button – $80.00 (per push). Heat or air conditioning vent – $7.00. Tray table – $6.00 (per usage). In flight phone – $65.00 per minute. Seat recliner – $3.75 per deployment. In flight magazine – $4.00 (current edition), $3.00 (older issues).

Use of Jetway™ – $4.50, or alternatively, use of flight stairs – $1.00. Conversation with seat mates – $.50 per word. Use of window shade – $2.75. If you wear polyester – $3.00. If you wear white socks with black shoes – $7.00. Mustaches – $2.87. Beards – $3.17. If you have a scraggly pseudo-mustache/beard thing going – $3.06. Women who haven’t shaved their legs – $17.58. One earring (men) – $4.11, two earrings (men) – $7.67. Women’s earrings – $4.00 per hole. At the end of the Schedule of Fees the following statement can be found. Breathing everyone’s CO₂, B.O., flatulence and other unknown bodily emissions – FREE! Enjoy your flight.

Happy trails.  

What the he…? I know you’re wondering about the title of today’s missive. In fact the subject is serious. Deadly serious. We’re talking about women’s breasts here. They’ve been in the news a lot over the past few days. OK, let me back up here lest you think Dr. Pistoph is being a lewd crude rude dude.

If you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately – and I don’t blame you one bit if you haven’t – you know that the United States Preventive Services Task Force recently recommended that women under 50 stop having mammograms. The Task Force also recommends against teaching women how to perform self breast examinations (I could say something very inappropriate here but I won’t). Understandably the American Cancer Society and a number of other health advocates are up in arms about these new guidelines. So just why do you suppose this recommendation is being made as the healthcare debates continues to rage? Pretty peculiar timing, huh?

For starters, the United States Preventive Services Task Force is a government panel of so called health “experts.” Dr. Otis Bawley, chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society wrote, “The task force advice is based on the conclusion that screening 1,300 women in their 50s to save one life is worth it, but that screening 1,900 women in their 40s to save a life is not. That stance is essentially telling women that mammography at age 40 to 49 saves lives, just not enough of them.”

Does this just scare the living crap out of you? It should. It’s what rationing of health care will look like if the Messiah and Anointed One, our make believe president and future Heisman Trophy winner has his way with his despicable health care plan. In fact, this is absolutely diabolical. I’m sorry if this blog isn’t funny like some of the rest that I write, but people need to wake up and smell the coffee here. For a government panel to make a recommendation of this sort is beyond irresponsible and incompetent. We’re not just dealing with boobish behavior by government bureaucrats here. We’re talking about life and death for the women of our country. If you haven’t yet had enough of what Washington is perpetrating upon our country maybe this will be the final straw. So pick up your pitchforks and your torches and go let the politicians know that you are mad as hell and aren’t going to take it any more. And while you’re at it, why don’t you drag a few of them into a screening room and expose them to about two straight hours of radiation from a mammography machine. Maybe that will help them see things a bit more clearly.

Oh my! Where do I start? There are so many insanely ridiculous things happening in the world right now that I have blog material forever. Hmmm, let’s see. How about I focus on one of the favorite issues of the day . . . JOBS or the lack thereof? The government reports that unemployment stands at 10.2% as I write this. However there’s more than a little hanky panky being played with the numbers. For example, after someone has been out of work for a lengthy period of time (I haven’t been able to get a straight answer as to how long) the government simply stops counting them as being unemployed.

Within the past few days, the Administration has reported that it has created some 650,000 jobs during the recession. As it turns out, a large number of these newly “created” jobs were just that – a figment of someone’s imagination. While the White House is touting the stimulus effort as the reason for the new jobs, fact checkers have discovered that many of the jobs simply don’t exist. In one case it was reported that 30 jobs were created in Arizona’s 15^th Congressional District for $761,420. Except that there is no 15^th Congressional District in Arizona. In Connecticut 25 jobs were supposedly created in the 42^nd District at no cost to the taxpayer. Except that there is no 42^nd District in Connecticut.

The Messiah and Anointed One, our make believe president and future Heisman Trophy winner in an interview with Fox News dismissed the criticism for the bogus statistics by saying, “I think this is an inexact science.” Look Mr. Moron-in-Chief, there’s no science here at all. Instead there’s science fiction. And how about the claim that jobs are being “saved?” How in the world do we measure whether or not a job has been saved? In Fayetteville, Arkansas a $1,000 stimulus grant to purchase a lawnmower was reported to have created 50 jobs. Huh? According to the Sacramento Bee the California State University system received a grant of $268.5 million in stimulus funds and claimed to have “saved” 26,000 jobs as a result. Later the bureaucrats in the university system admitted that had the money not been received they would not have laid off any of the impacted workers.

This Administration is filled with rank amateurs, dunces and lying skunks. Now you might say that all administrations have had their share of such people and I would agree. Except that the shenanigans that this current cast of characters are perpetrating are so blatantly obvious and breathtakingly stupid that it borders the surreal. All that said there is one completely legitimate job that I would like to see created. We desperately need a White House zookeeper who can put these people back in the cages where they belong.

Have you ever encountered a government bureaucrat at any level – federal, state or local – who didn’t have the sense to come in from out of the rain? Sure, the usual suspects are driver’s license bureaus and vehicle license plate departments around the country. But there are many more creative sources for bureaucratic nonsense. Lest I get a deluge of protest from many of the hardworking bureaucrats out there, I’m not talking about you. But you have some brothers and sisters who have the IQ of an empty roll of toilet paper. It is my intent to expose them through a new blog feature called, Stupid Bureaucrat Tricks, patterned after a certain late night talk show host who has the IQ of cottage cheese.

Stupid Bureaucrat Trick #1 – the wife of a friend of mine was driving on a toll road near her home. Her car slid on a patch of ice and clipped the concrete barrier that was in the median. Fortunately neither she nor anyone else was injured but her car was heavily damaged. Want to hear the topper? My friend received a voicemail from a representative of the turnpike authority. The message informed him that he’ll be receiving a bill from the turnpike for a “gouge” in the concrete barrier caused by his wife’s car. Now let me get this straight. This turnpike bureaucrat wants to assess a motorist for knocking a chunk of concrete out of a barrier but ignores the fact that the negligence of his bureaucracy caused the crash in the first place. Perhaps my friend should agree to trade checks with the turnpike authority. He’ll write a check for the $47.12 in damage to the barrier and the turnpike will write a check for $2,964,815 in damage to his wife’s auto and the painful “whiplash” that she suffered. The old IQ meter for this bureaucrat registers just below that of a three-day old dead goldfish.

As a part of this new blog feature, whenever we identify a bureaucrat that hits a new low on the IQ meter we’ll suggest an intervention for said bureaucrat. For the toll road bureaucrat we recommend that he be reassigned to a state agriculture department in Nebraska where his new job will be to attach radio tracking devices to cowpies throughout the state. On second thought, this might be a bad idea. He’d probably mix up cowpies with horse dung, and that would be a real waste of taxpayer dollars. Stay tuned for more Stupid Bureaucrat Tricks in future blogs.

I want to do some cookin’. What are we cooking you ask? Well, let’s play a game. I’ll give you the recipe and you tell me what we’re cookin’. OK? Here we go.

We start with an election where 53% of the voters went insane and put into office a radical socialist who has never run anything in his life but sounds really terrific to the zombies who worship him. Next, add a pinch of AIG, GM, Chrysler and Fannie Mae, then mix with a healthy dose of incompetence and hubris. Stir in $787 billion and allow to simmer at 10.2% unemployment. Then pour in a few thousand nuts . . . ACORNs work best. Grease the pan with plenty of pork and blend with Barney Franks™. Mold into a big slimy mound of corruption. Sprinkle on some unions while you’re at it. Set aside and begin preparation of the next phase.

Take one-sixth of the American economy and beat the hell out of the insurance companies, doctors and the rich – use highest speed possible. Shake down a few million hard-working small business people and grind into a pulp. Strain off the pre-existing conditions and steam with town hall meetings. Wrap in 2,000 pages of cheesy paper and place in the freezer next to a stinky fish head from Fisherman’s Wharf. Make sure not to confuse the stinky fish head with Nancy Pelosi. Oh, and don’t forget to let Joe Biden lick the bowl.

Finally, take dribs and drabs of Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Venezuela; knead with a pinch of Copenhagen and a magnum of Nobel. Slow down. There’s certainly no reason to hurry in deciding when to add more ingredients – especially Afghanistan. With a rolling pin, press into a large flat shape the size of Hillary Clinton’s ego. Baste with oil from the skin of the Emanuel snake and raise taxes. Add more government jobs and remove liberties and freedom until the desired consistency is achieved. For the pièce de résistance, garnish with a Harry Reid Crabcake.

What is this the recipe for? DISASTER. That’s what. You’ll definitely want to wash your hands after handling this concoction. You’ll probably want to take a shower as well.

Today’s language is so fraught with tripe, drivel and political correctness that I’m surprised it’s even possible for us to communicate with each other. There are many words and phrases that are absolutely maddening. Who comes up with this stuff? I’m beginning to think that all of the academic linguists in this country must have gone to a convention and spent 100% of their time in “Uncreative Language” breakout sessions. Here are some examples of the type of gibberish to which I refer.

A teachable moment. What in the devil does this mean? Literally speaking every moment can be teachable in some way, shape or form. Win-win. What is wrong with win-lose? Hot button. In all my years I don’t think I’ve ever seen a button that was hot unless someone applied a blowtorch to it. Have a nice day. How about have a “puke on your shoes” day? To be perfectly honest. So, let me get this straight. Everything else you’ve been saying is a lie? Think outside the box. What box? I can think inside a box as well as outside a box. Undocumented immigrants. They are actually called illegal aliens.

African American. What’s wrong with being black? Plus sizes. Let’s call them what they are – fat sizes. Visually impaired. Me thinks it’s just blind. Overseas Contingency Operation. No way. It’s a GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR. Outcast. Black sheep. Oh no! This could be viewed as racist-speak. Out of control. Running around like wild Indians. Developmentally challenged. It’s still the same as being retarded. Seniors (chronologically advantaged). Old people. Utility hole cover. Manhole cover. Really. Nondiscretionary fragrance. Body odor. Chalkboards instead of blackboards . . . once again there is a fear of offending black people.

Had enough? Oh, but it doesn’t work that way. You and I have no choice but to continue to endure the assault on our language. But there is one way to fight back. In the coming weeks if someone wishes you Happy Holidays, reply, “No, it’s MERRY CHRISTMAS!” And by the way. Let’s ixnay that little smiley face thing that people are always putting in their e-mails.

I pay a princely sum of money each year to belong to a car wash club. I pay the same amount for my wife to belong to the same club. No, there’s no secret handshake or special ritual that is required to belong to this club. But there are benefits. For starters, we get a nickel per gallon discount on our gasoline purchases. And, we receive discounts on a variety of different types of car washes. We’ve belonged to this club for a number of years and have generally believed that we receive good value. Once after a particularly poor bout with customer service I wrote one of my favorite Dr. Pistoph letters. The area manager sent me a very nice response and a couple of coupons for upgraded washes – good move.

But lately I’ve become P.O.’d about a pervasive injustice that plagues this chain of car washes. Here’s the Cliff Notes version. I usually buy my gasoline at these car washes once a week. Then I run my car through the wash bay. Except that by the time I finish filling up with gas there’s usually a line of cars from here to next Thursday. And guess what? Nearly every one of them drove right into the wash bay without purchasing gas. This is infuriating. Yes, yes, they are entitled to buy a car wash the same as the next guy. But how about giving us club members our own line so we don’t have to wait behind all of these interlopers?

I can just hear some of you snickering right now. “What a ridiculous piddling little thing to get worked up over,” you exclaim. Well I have an exclamation for you and it’s unprintable. You must understand that as we get older some of us (me in particular) have much less patience for what seems to us (me) as a lack of good old fashioned common sense. Why should I have to tell the 14 year-olds running the car wash that they should be more sensitive to their club members? After all, isn’t that what they’re paid $8.50 an hour to do? Oh, and by the way; that a-hole who cut in front of me the last time I visited the car wash is going to get a surprise the next time I see him. You know who you are. You refused to look at me after committing your dastardly deed. I have something for you. I’ll roll my window down and all you have to do is get within three feet of my car. Come on. Just a little closer . . .

This is rich. The Messiah and Anointed One, our make-believe president and future Heisman Trophy winner went to Copenhagen and helped Chicago lose the 2016 Olympic Games. And in December he’ll go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace Prize for trashing America during speeches that he made while on foreign soil. Since he took office, The Messiah and Anointed One has visited Canada, England, France, the Czech Republic, Turkey, Mexico, Trinidad and Tobago, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Russia, Ghana and Italy. But there’s a glaring omission in this list. Do you know what it is?

Berlin. Twenty years ago the Berlin Wall fell, symbolizing freedom for tens of millions of Europeans who had lived for decades under the oppression of a Communist regime. As a result of the efforts of a super patriot, one Ronald Wilson Reagan, the Soviet Union imploded. Mikhail Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union oversaw the removal of one of the last remnants of an evil era.  

So, why would the Messiah and Anointed One, our make-believe president and future Heisman Trophy winner choose not to go to Berlin to commemorate such a monumental achievement? I think we all know the reason. This guy would rather consort with the likes of Bill Ayers, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, ACORN and the SEIU. In fact, his agenda is scarily similar to the principles on which the USSR was founded. How would it look for him to go to Berlin and embrace an event that led to the downfall of the very socialism in Europe that he wants to promote here in the United States? Once again, his true colors are showing. Unfortunately they aren’t the colors of our great country. Hopefully this will be one more wake-up call for all Americans to un-elect the Nancy Pelosis and Harry Reids in our Congress who are doing their best to undermine our liberty and freedom. Without them, the current occupant of the White House won’t be able to implement his radical policies and then we can put a True American in the Oval Office on January 20, 2013.

Recently I wrote about how modern day television sucks. And that got me to look further into this phenomenon. As you know I do a lot of research. Lately I’ve been in triple research overtime. Folks, I’m talking serious research. And here’s what I’ve discovered. Reality TV shows are so pathetic and lame that a blind monkey could write a better script. Now I’m not blind and I wasn’t a monkey the last time I checked. But I think I too can write a better script. So here goes.

The setting is a floating garbage barge in New York Harbor. The characters include a loud-mouthed, obnoxious whackjob (played by a Rosie O’Donnell look-alike); a timid milquetoast little mouse of a man (played by a Tom Cruise-type); a dark, conniving, evil murderer (played by a spitting image of Stephen Colbert); a stereotypical ditzy bimbo (played by the identical twin of Britney Spears), and a Godfather type (played by the corpse of the late Marlon Brando).

The opening scene has the Rosie O’Donnell look-alike whacking the Tom Cruise-type with a piece of moldy French bread and screeching, “You little weasel, you stole my feather boa!” She chases the Cruise guy up over a mound of dirty diapers and medical waste and they disappear into the hazy sunset framed by a silhouette of the Verrazono-Narrows Bridge. Meanwhile, the spitting image of Colbert pokes his head out of his hidey hole, hollowed out of a stinky pile of chicken gizzards from a nearby processing plant. And thus the season begins.

The next morning finds the identical twin of Britney Spears in a bikini catching a few rays as she lies in an alluring pose on an old moth-eaten sofa surrounded by orange peels and coffee grounds. Suddenly the camera zooms in on the corpse of Marlon Brando and fades to black. And so it goes for excruciating episode after excruciating episode. Without a doubt the ratings will be better than Survivor: Samoa, The Biggest Loser, American Idol, and Real Housewives combined. This is the highest quality in television brought to you by Dr. I. M. Pistoph, world-renowned author of the best-seller, The 247 Things in Life That Piss Me Off! Bravo, bravo! Encore, encore! I take a bow. The end.

Are you happy with the way your city spends your money? How many large cities are trying to install light rail systems for hundreds of millions if not billions of dollars? Cities of all sizes are constructing walking trails. Then there are transportation services that cost more per passenger than were the city to hire a taxicab. And while they’re at it, perhaps the purchase of an exotic new animal for the local zoo is in order. Then there’s Ann Arbor, Michigan where 1% of public building projects shall be set aside (up to $250,000) for public art. Ann Arbor’s not alone. I’m willing to bet that there are countless stories of cities spending money on art.

Sure, some of these expenditures may enhance the livability of our cities and towns. However, my beef is with the priorities or lack thereof. Is every stoplight in your town properly synchronized? Is every pothole filled? Does every streetlight burn? What sort of shape are your sewers in? Are your taxes low? How’s the crime rate? Would a few more police officers help?

For some reason elected officials in many cities seem to forget what the voters put them in office to do . . . and that is provide good quality basic services at the lowest possible cost. No frills. No B.S. No excuses. Instead, these “officials” attend municipal conferences and learn about new ways to spend money. They read “high-level” research reports and learn about new ways to spend money. And they get invited to fancy parties where people whisper “ideas” into their ears about new ways to spend money.

Somewhere along the line our city fathers have lost their way (and their sanity). Those of you who want a bike path – ante up and build one yourselves. Those of you who want a midnight basketball program – cough up and pay for it yourselves. Those of you who want to install wireless Internet service that is provided free of charge to the entire city – open your wallet and pay for it yourselves. I’m fed up with waiting at traffic lights when not another car is within two blocks because rather than installing smart lights some numbnuts chose to spend money on a float for a parade instead. Throw the bums out! Every single one of them.