Do you ever wonder about what we read, watch and hear in the news these days? Do you ever ponder exactly what the news really means? Well, I, Dr. I. M. Pistoph have a truly amazing gift. I am able to decipher the news with the greatest of ease and simplicity. Let’s take a look at some recent news stories and I will interpret them for you.

News Item #1 – 980 Pound Man Needs Life-Saving Operation. This British guy eats 20,000 calories-a-day. Now he’s a giant walrus and needs a $33,000 operation to save his life. What a crock! Take this guy to the London Zoo and let the buzzards and jackals perform their “surgery” on him. I’ll bet they can administer a pretty rapid weight loss program.

News Item #2 – Astronomers Find a Whopping 32 New Planets. Who cares?

News Item #3 – Oil Rises Above $80 to Hit One-Year High. So? The fat bastards over in Saudi Arabia put another gazillion dollars in their pockets, bought 80 more 747s along with half of Phoenix (it’s hot there too). Nothing new here.

News Item #4 – Police Use Blood Extracted From Leech to Solve Crime. This happened in Australia. Apparently some guy murdered an old woman and a leech dropped off of him providing DNA evidence showing that he was the murderer. I say strip the guy naked, tie him up, put him in a bathtub and dump in about a million leeches. No need for a trial.

News Item #5 – Balloon Boy. By now everyone has heard this story. A wacko father in Colorado made a large balloon; let it loose; created a media circus; told the crazed reporters that one of his kids might be in the balloon, and then the proverbial excrement hit the fan. This one is very simple. Send the wacko father up in the balloon about 1,000 miles above the Pacific Ocean.

Give me some real news and not this drivel. Sheesh.