Sometimes a wave just washes over me. It’s uncontrollable to the point that I don’t even resist it anymore. I think it’s triggered by the steady drip, drip, drip of everyday exposure. There are some days it gets so bad that my hair hurts and I grind my teeth while I’m awake. I don’t know when it started but I’m telling you now that I’m having another one of those moments. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! You are welcome to join me in my tirade if you so choose.
I’ve written about Political Correctness so many times that I think my computer could just type what I have to say by itself. I hate Political Correctness. I despise and deplore it with every ounce of my being. It serves absolutely no practical purpose whatsoever other than to piss me off. So here’s how I intend to combat PC. Listen up all you hypersensitive, woolly-headed Commies who want to run my life.
I’m going to eat meat every single day. Big juicy steaks cooked on the grill polluting the atmosphere with billowing clouds of smoke. Greasy pork spare ribs with the juice running down my chin. I’m going to shoot a duck and eat it. I’m going to shoot a turkey and eat it. Then I’ll come chasing after you with a monster drumstick and beat you severely with it. I’m going to drive to the nearest feedlot and cheer the cattle on, “Come on and chow down you big dummies. I want you to get fatter so you’ll make a better meal for my friends and me! I want you to eat more so that you’ll release more methane into the air.” Hey PETA people – why don’t you come over to my house when I’m serving up a huge honey-baked ham? I want you to watch closely while I enjoy each tasty succulent morsel.
I’m going to let the water run while I brush my teeth. In fact I might even spend longer brushing my teeth than I ever have before. And I will turn the water on as high as I can. I’m going to take a shower for 30 minutes and I’ll be flushing the toilet 100 times a day. I will give my lawn long deep-soaking drinks every single day during the summer. Hey you Sierra Club loonies – why don’t you drop by and I’ll get out my ginormous water blaster and give you a drenching you’ll never forget.
I will continue to drive my great big gas-guzzling car and will take the long way to get places just so I can send more carbon into the ozone. I want as big a “carbon footprint” as I can generate. I’ll make jack rabbit starts at the stoplights so that I can spew forth massive amounts of carbon monoxide. Hey Al Gore, you big fat windbag, I have a hose that will fit nicely into your mouth and attaches to the tailpipe of my combustion-engine means of transport.
I intend to wish Merry Christmas to every single person I see during the Christmas season. Heck, I might even start doing this on Labor Day. And if you are a black person, I’m going to say you’re a black person and not an African American. If you are of Mexican descent, I’m going to say you’re of Mexican descent and not Hispanic. If your ancestors were from China, I’m going to say you’re of Chinese descent and not an Asian. I mean no disrespect at all. I’m a white guy and you can call me a white guy – I won’t take offense if you don’t call me a Caucasian. See how silly it all sounds? Better yet, why don’t we all just be Americans?
I’m starting to feel better now. I know I’ll have another Un-PC bout sometime in the near future. And when I do I’ll share it with you. But now it’s time for me to go flip the burgers. Moo.
