Comrades – tonight I stand before you with a heavy heart. The election results are in and while I’m pleased to say that I carried the District of Columbia overwhelmingly, I wish I could say that I won at least one of the 50 states. But I didn’t so I must now explain to you why I lost this election.
Some are saying that I lost because of all of the trips I took at the taxpayer expense. Others are saying it was Michelle’s trips – I’m not going to throw her under the bus though I know that some of the racist members of the Tea Party have been spreading these vicious lies. Some are saying that I lost because of my efforts to increase the number of citizens who don’t pay taxes and receive some form of assistance from the federal government. Actually this is another lie. All I wanted to do was create high-paying government jobs for the millions of people who want to work – even if they are only qualified to work at McDonald’s.
During my reign, I was able to create a healthcare program that will someday rival that of Cuba. I single-handedly saved the automakers even if Ford wouldn’t play along. I created thousands of new regulations for corporations – and especially those who build corporate jets, the owners of which do not pay their fair share. The long-term impact of these regulations will be keeping these corporations from making unfair profits and will help to spread the wealth.
I am proud of what I accomplished. And I’m here to tell you that the reason I lost is because of George Bush. He left me an economy that was in such bad shape that I had no choice but to take a number of steps that were judged unpopular. George Bush left me with two wars that I had to end and he left me with a situation in Libya that I couldn’t ignore. All the trips I took were necessary because George Bush made so many enemies around the world that I had to go out and mend a lot of fences. It’s unfair that the American public blamed me for the mess our country is in – they should have blamed George Bush.
Michelle and I do not plan to fade away like George Bush tried to do. No, we intend to spend every day for the rest of our lives convincing the country that George Bush cost me the election. I just want to be on the record as saying that George Bush and his fat cat oil buddies stole the election in 2000 and then drove this country into a ditch. I had to take away their car keys and pull the car out of the ditch. This country should be thanking me for what I did to save them from George Bush.
If you did not support my bid for a second term I will not forget what you did to me. And I intend to tell Bill Ayers and his wife where to find you. Such a revelation could have explosive consequences for you. In the meantime, please buy my new book entitled, Why George Bush Hates America. Thank you and good night.
