Some are saying that I lost because of all of the trips I took at the taxpayer expense. Others are saying it was Michelle’s trips – I’m not going to throw her under the bus though I know that some of the racist members of the Tea Party have been spreading these vicious lies. Some are saying that I lost because of my efforts to increase the number of citizens who don’t pay taxes and receive some form of assistance from the federal government. Actually this is another lie. All I wanted to do was create high-paying government jobs for the millions of people who want to work – even if they are only qualified to work at McDonald’s.

During my reign, I was able to create a healthcare program that will someday rival that of Cuba. I single-handedly saved the automakers even if Ford wouldn’t play along. I created thousands of new regulations for corporations – and especially those who build corporate jets, the owners of which do not pay their fair share. The long-term impact of these regulations will be keeping these corporations from making unfair profits and will help to spread the wealth.

I am proud of what I accomplished. And I’m here to tell you that the reason I lost is because of George Bush. He left me an economy that was in such bad shape that I had no choice but to take a number of steps that were judged unpopular. George Bush left me with two wars that I had to end and he left me with a situation in Libya that I couldn’t ignore. All the trips I took were necessary because George Bush made so many enemies around the world that I had to go out and mend a lot of fences. It’s unfair that the American public blamed me for the mess our country is in – they should have blamed George Bush.

Michelle and I do not plan to fade away like George Bush tried to do. No, we intend to spend every day for the rest of our lives convincing the country that George Bush cost me the election. I just want to be on the record as saying that George Bush and his fat cat oil buddies stole the election in 2000 and then drove this country into a ditch. I had to take away their car keys and pull the car out of the ditch. This country should be thanking me for what I did to save them from George Bush.

If you did not support my bid for a second term I will not forget what you did to me. And I intend to tell Bill Ayers and his wife where to find you. Such a revelation could have explosive consequences for you. In the meantime, please buy my new book entitled, Why George Bush Hates America. Thank you and good night.

So what’s the big deal about a sign, you ask? To answer this question you have to understand the genesis of the signs and the issues they represent. The signs wouldn’t have even been possible had it not been for the Porkulus legislation passed by the Commies in the Congress and signed by our Failed Make-Believe President. Our elected morons confiscated our cash; put us in hock for a whole lot more, and then created a bunch of make-work projects across the country to try and kick-start a moribund economy. Of course this initiative has been an abject failure – just has been our Failed Make-Believe President. But now salt has been poured into the wound. Twenty million of our precious tax dollars have been redistributed to the sign-making industry to create these horrible signs that we see on the make-work projects for which our tax dollars were stolen.

Sooooo, I’ve decided to start a sign-making company so I can get in on the action. And being a capitalist at heart I’ve already thought of a number of new ideas for signs that the government can buy from me. I mean, it’s not very original to post a sign on the resurfacing of a strip of perfectly good highway. Instead, there are many more innovative possibilities.

Here’s one. Let’s put signs outside every business in America and indicate the number of employees inside. The signs can then say for example, “527 Jobs Saved by the Messiah and Anointed One.” Here’s another. We can erect signs in front of every hospital and medical clinic in the country. They would be emblazoned with the words, “Your Friendly Local Purveyor of Marxist Medicine. Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You.”

Along the Mexican border we’ll erect signs that say, “Bienvenidos!” (That means “Welcome” in Mexican). “Come and Use Our Schools, Hospitals, Food Stamps and Housing – Absolutely Free!!” And I know the Administration is going to want for us to make a couple hundred thousand of these. They will be posted along the Gulf of Mexico – about every 200 feet. The message? “Your Federal Government. Proudly Keeping America’s Beaches Pristine.”

There will only be one of these signs. “Attempting to Beautify America . . . One Botox Injection at a Time.” It will hang outside the office of House Speaker Nancy Peloser. I’d be in favor of spending $20 million to create a batch of signs that would be posted along every roadway, in every town, city and burg regardless of size. It would very simply exclaim, “Free Solar Energy Brought to You by the Good Folks in Washington, DC.”

But there’s one sign that is going to make me a gazillionaire. It’s a sure fire winner. We’ll make millions of them and install them in front of every federal facility, large and small. What will they say? “We’re Broke.”

I’ve written about Political Correctness so many times that I think my computer could just type what I have to say by itself. I hate Political Correctness. I despise and deplore it with every ounce of my being. It serves absolutely no practical purpose whatsoever other than to piss me off. So here’s how I intend to combat PC. Listen up all you hypersensitive, woolly-headed Commies who want to run my life.

I’m going to eat meat every single day. Big juicy steaks cooked on the grill polluting the atmosphere with billowing clouds of smoke. Greasy pork spare ribs with the juice running down my chin. I’m going to shoot a duck and eat it. I’m going to shoot a turkey and eat it. Then I’ll come chasing after you with a monster drumstick and beat you severely with it. I’m going to drive to the nearest feedlot and cheer the cattle on, “Come on and chow down you big dummies. I want you to get fatter so you’ll make a better meal for my friends and me! I want you to eat more so that you’ll release more methane into the air.” Hey PETA people – why don’t you come over to my house when I’m serving up a huge honey-baked ham? I want you to watch closely while I enjoy each tasty succulent morsel.

I’m going to let the water run while I brush my teeth. In fact I might even spend longer brushing my teeth than I ever have before. And I will turn the water on as high as I can. I’m going to take a shower for 30 minutes and I’ll be flushing the toilet 100 times a day. I will give my lawn long deep-soaking drinks every single day during the summer. Hey you Sierra Club loonies – why don’t you drop by and I’ll get out my ginormous water blaster and give you a drenching you’ll never forget.

I will continue to drive my great big gas-guzzling car and will take the long way to get places just so I can send more carbon into the ozone. I want as big a “carbon footprint” as I can generate. I’ll make jack rabbit starts at the stoplights so that I can spew forth massive amounts of carbon monoxide. Hey Al Gore, you big fat windbag, I have a hose that will fit nicely into your mouth and attaches to the tailpipe of my combustion-engine means of transport.

I intend to wish Merry Christmas to every single person I see during the Christmas season. Heck, I might even start doing this on Labor Day. And if you are a black person, I’m going to say you’re a black person and not an African American. If you are of Mexican descent, I’m going to say you’re of Mexican descent and not Hispanic. If your ancestors were from China, I’m going to say you’re of Chinese descent and not an Asian. I mean no disrespect at all. I’m a white guy and you can call me a white guy – I won’t take offense if you don’t call me a Caucasian. See how silly it all sounds? Better yet, why don’t we all just be Americans?

I’m starting to feel better now. I know I’ll have another Un-PC bout sometime in the near future. And when I do I’ll share it with you. But now it’s time for me to go flip the burgers. Moo.

Nathaniel Grigsby is buried in a cemetery in Attica, Kansas. His legacy is displayed on his headstone for the viewing of generation after generation. Here’s what it says:

“Through this inscription I wish to enter my dying protest against what is called the Democratic party. I have watched it closely since the days of Jackson and know that the misfortunes of our nation has come to it through this so-called party. Therefore beware of this party of treason.”

Wow! This guy had it figured out 120 years ago. And he didn’t even live long enough to see FDR implement the New Deal or attempt to pack the Supreme Court. He wasn’t around to watch the Democrats create Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid. He wasn’t here for LBJ’s Great Society. He’d probably roll over in his grave if he knew about Marxist Medicine, Kneecap and Tax, the government takeover of the auto companies and the refusal of the Commies to allow shallow-water and ANWR oil drilling. As a Civil War veteran, he would be apoplectic over the charges by the Left that everything that doesn’t go their way is motivated by racism.

The income tax hadn’t yet been perpetrated by the redistributionists when Nathaniel Grigsby was alive, so I know he would be mortified that we now pay anywhere from one-third to nearly one-half of our income to the government. How do you think he would have reacted to the constant assault on our Constitution? I’ll bet his best friend was named Winchester! And finally, he would undoubtedly have had a fatal heart attack after watching the way the Democrats have resisted efforts over the past several decades to assert our national defense and protect our citizens.

Every once in awhile, a prescient person walks on the face of this earth. Nathaniel Grigsby was one such person. And what he foresaw paled in comparison to the actual destruction that has been wrought by the modern Democrat Party. God help us all.

Why do so many newspapers have names that make absolutely no sense whatsoever? Why do so many newspapers have names that are misleading? Why do so many newspapers have names that tout their politics (even though we know which way they lean without reading the name)?

Why is the Norwalk, CT paper named The Hour? What does that have to do with anything? Is the Daily Camera in Boulder, CO just full of photos? Why would anyone name their paper the Daily Breeze like they have in Torrance, CA? Maybe the Daily Blow would be more appropriate. I wonder if the Fairbanks Daily-Miner and the Kingman Daily-Miner are related. Are they mining for gold, copper, silver, zinc or news? And there must have been a swarm of bees that attacked a number of newspaper publishers a few years ago. The Fresno Bee, Fresno, CA; The Modesto Bee, Modesto, CA; The Sacramento Bee and the Bonner County Daily Bee, Sandpoint, ID, must be written about or for bees. Why would any self-respecting human want to read a paper call the Bee?

What do you suppose the politics are of the following papers? The Tallahassee Democrat; The Press Democrat, Santa Rosa, CA; The Appeal-Democrat, Marysville, CA; Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Little Rock, AR; Rochester Democrat and Chronicle, Rochester, NY; The Tribune-Democrat, Johnstown, PA and the Durant Daily Democrat, Durant, OK. Why would any Republicans or Independents read any of these papers? They might however, be inclined to read the Times-Republican, Marshalltown, IA or The Sampson Independent, Clinton, NC.

There are a few newspapers that don’t sound like they are about news at all. You get a gold star if you can figure out what these papers are all about – The Montgomery Advertiser, Montgomery, AL; The Honolulu Star-Advertiser and The Daily Advertiser, Lafayette, LA. And what, pray tell, is The Vindicator of Youngstown, OH? What is being vindicated and what does it have to do with newspapers? And The Repository of Canton, OH just sounds wrong. Maybe one should throw The Blade of Toledo, OH at the Dothan Eagle of Dothan, AL except that eagles are a protected species. The Hartford Courant of Hartford, CT, must be about a piece of music suited for dance. Huh? That’s the dictionary definition of “courant.” I do think the Laramie Boomerang of Laramie, WY might be onto something if it changes its motto to “either buy our paper or we’ll whap you on the head with it.”

Then there are a whole bunch of rags with names that are terribly misleading. The Detroit Free Press charges $12/month for home delivery three days a week; The Free Press of Mankato, MN charges $14.20/month; the Chattanooga Times Free Press charges $14/month; The Free Lance-Star, Fredericksburg, VA charges $10/month; The Burlington Free Press of Burlington, VT charges $15/month, and the Winnipeg Free Press charges $22.75/month. Not one of those papers is free except maybe the Winnipeg Free Press because Canadian money doesn’t really count.

Now do you believe me? If these newspaper publishers can’t come up with better names for their newspapers how do they expect any of us to buy them? Sheesh. Once again I am Master of the Obvious.

Nancy Peloser has had some whoppers. For starters, about the health care legislation she said, “We have to pass this bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.” And how about this one on July 2, 2010, “Unemployment checks are the fastest way to create jobs.” Then our Failed Make-Believe President said on the campaign trail in Beaverton, Oregon, “I’ve now been in 57 states . . . I think one to go.” He also uttered this gem on January 28, 2010, “the Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.” And who can forget, “the Cambridge police acted stupidly.” On November 21, 2008, Rahm “No Towel” Emanuel said this, “The thing about a crisis – and crisis doesn’t seem too strong a word – you never want a serious crisis to go to waste.”

Vice President Joe “the Gaffer” Bite Me said on February 6, 2009 while addressing a House Commie caucus, “If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30 percent chance we’re going to get it wrong.” And he said this about John McCain on October 15, 2008, “Look, John’s last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.” On June 18, 2010, Harry “the Reptile” Reid said this about a climate change bill, “We’re not going to tell you today what we’re going to have in this legislation because it’s a work in progress.”

But I think Slick Willie Clinton moves right to the top of incredible statements with this one from January 20, 1999 after his State of the Union address. When asked why, with a budget surplus, there couldn’t be a tax cut, he replied, “We could give it all back to you and hope you spend it right. But, if you don’t spend it right here’s what’s going to happen. In 2013 – that’s just 14 years away – taxes people pay on their payroll for Social Security will no longer cover the monthly checks. I want every parent here to look at the young people here and ask yourself, ‘Do you really want to run the risk of squandering this surplus?’”

So, I’ve pieced together a few of these quotes into what I think is a perfect statement that represents Commies across this land. While I’ve taken a few liberties I think it fits perfectly. I know that our Failed Make-Believe President would want to let these words roll smoothly off his tongue, so I’ll attribute them to him.

“A budget surplus is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries. But people act stupidly. If the people do everything right, if they do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance that they’ll squander the surplus. I’ve been in 57 states with one to go and the number one job facing the middle class is creating jobs with their unemployment checks. I want every parent here to look at the young people here and ask yourself, what four-letter word describes a terrible thing to waste in a time of crisis – T-A-X-E-S. So, we’re not going to tell you what is in this legislation because it’s a work in progress. We have to pass this bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of controversy.”

Trust us. We know what’s best for you. Love, your Commisars.

There’s an article in the Southern New England Journal of Medicine about a scientific study that was completed after 20 years of testing. Dr. Rudolph von Stoopervane has discovered that the human heart is pre-programmed to only beat a certain number of times before it wears out. And then we die. Everyone’s heart is pre-programmed for a different number of beats. The hearts of some people will beat 2,838,240,000 times during their lifetime – approximately 75 years. Other hearts will beat 3,595,104,000 times or approximately 95 years. Obviously the trick is figuring out just exactly how many beats our respective hearts will have during our lifetimes.

Dr. Stoopervane has developed a formula that precisely determines the number of heart beats for a specific individual. The formula takes the number of heart beats for one’s mother plus the number of heart beats for one’s father divided by the square root of their combined ages at death multiplied by pi. Then the resulting number is compounded using the APR of a variable rate mortgage on November 13, 2008 and added to the hypotenuse of the volume of six liters of Diet Coke. Then multiply by the quantum wave of the gravitational pull of the moon; divide by the time a car traveling 60 miles an hour from Schenectady takes to collide with a car traveling 80 miles an hour from San Diego, allowing for the downtime the car from San Diego is pulled over by the highway patrol. Finally the resulting number is subtracted from the distance in miles to the sun.

When I read about Dr. Stoopervane’s study I thought, “What a breakthrough this is for science!” And then a darker thought hit me. What if through exercise I’ve been shortening my life by speeding up my heart? There ought to be someone I can sue.

I intend to stop exercising immediately and you should too. I know that this will put a lot of sporting goods companies out of business but that’s just the way it has to be. Maybe those companies can convert to manufacturing Moon Pies. We’ll be eating a lot more of those in the future now that we can’t exercise.

Which impeached Commie governor uttered the phrase? “Where the f*** is Woodward and Bernstein? It’s shocking that this could happen in America. Because I’m telling you, I am innocent of every single allegation.”

1. Eliot Spitzer – (Commie – NY)
2. Rod Blagojevich – (Commie – IL)
3. Don Siegelman – (Commie – AL)
4. Marvin Mandel – (Commie – MD)

 

For what cause did Representative Howard “Buck” McKeon (Commie-CA) procure an earmark?

1. $875,000 for a study of the rate of failure of foreign-made condoms compared with U.S.-made condoms.
2. $150,000 for the establishment of a National Mule and Packers museum.
3. $11,950,000 for the construction of a smoking porch attached to the White House allowing our Marlboro Man president to light up.
4. $505,000 to purchase all of the items that Hillary Clinton threw at the Slickster while they were in the Arkansas Governor’s Mansion.

 

What was Harry “the Reptile” Reid’s occupation before he entered politics?

1. Ventriloquist for Penn and Teller’s magic show on the Strip.
2. City attorney for Henderson, Nevada.
3. A cadaver in the original CSI show.
4. A stable hand at the Mustang Ranch near Reno.

 

Which of the following were perpetrated by Vice President Joe “the Gaffer” Biden?

1. Telling a Missouri state senator who was in a wheelchair to “stand up and be recognized” at a political rally.
2. Whispering to the Messiah and Anointed One, “this is a big effing deal” which was picked up on an open mike at a Marxist Medicine press conference.
3. Calling the Messiah “Barack America” while introducing him at another rally.
4. Being caught on camera saying, “In Delaware, the largest portion of the population is Indian-Americans. You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.”
5. All of the above.

 

The correct answers for all were #2 and the last question #2 is right and so is #5. This may have been funny but seriously folks the Commies are doing #2 all over this great land of ours right now.  Join us in the future for another episode of Dr. Pistoph’s Commie Quiz. We could play this game every day for the rest of our lives and not run out of material!

Mrs. Pistoph and I have been together for 39 years. For all of you youngsters out there who aren’t 39 or even 29 let me tell you something. Thirty-nine years is one heckuva long time. Forty-nine years is even longer but I’ll let you know in ten years what that feels like. Anyway, I decided it was time that maybe I find out a little bit more about the woman who has been sleeping with me for an eternity.

So I started asking questions. “What is your favorite drink?” I asked. “A frozen margarita,” she replied. “What is your favorite color?” I queried. “Pink,” she responded. Me – “what is your favorite food?” Her – “steak.” Me – “what is your favorite animal?” Her – “a cat.” Me – “what is your favorite tree?” Her – a maple.” And so it went. After this exchange I privately compared her answers with what I thought she might say.

Favorite flower – what she said – a rose. What I thought she would say – a Carrion Flower. These are flowers that smell like rotting flesh or flatulence. Why would I think this would be her favorite flower? Because it reminds her of me when our grandson visits. “Hey buddy, want to pull Poppa’s finger?

Favorite song – what she said – Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. What I thought she would say – 19^th Nervous Breakdown by the Rolling Stones. Why? She’s had to put up with me for 39 years.

Favorite movie – what she said – Casablanca. What I thought she would say – Blazing Saddles. Why? Because of that classic line uttered by Lili Von Shtupp, “Would you like another schnitzengruben?”

Favorite bird – what she said – a Dove. What I thought she would say – a Myna Bird. Why? Because her hearing is so bad that I have to repeat everything I say at least twice.

Favorite store – what she said – Wal-Mart. What I hoped she would say – Victoria’s Secret. Favorite credit card – what I hoped she would say – “I cut up all my credit cards and vowed never to use them again.” What she actually said – American Express Black Card (requiring total annual expenditures of at least $250,000). Favorite hobby – what I hoped she would say – doting on her main man, namely me. What she actually said – playing Farmville on Facebook.

So it looks like I have a lot of work to do if I’m going to be a successful contestant on the Newlywed Game show. And Mrs. Pistoph needs to work harder to give me the right answers. I hope it doesn’t take another 39 years.

A few days later our Failed Make-Believe President undertook one of his most important acts as the Chief Executive of our country. He held the now famous Beer Summit to which he invited Gates, Crowley and Joe “the Gaffer” Biden. They sipped on suds and everything was certified to be right with the world. Until the other day. Apparently an “independent” committee was commissioned by the Cambridge Police Department. A report was issued by this bunch of PC moonbats that said that both Crowley and Gates were “equally at fault.” The report goes on to say that “six to eight seconds into their chance encounter the two became hardened adversaries who missed chances to ease a confrontation.” What a bunch of mamby-pamby BS! If I were King of Cambridge, Gates would still be in jail – maybe even in solitary confinement where no one could hear him bleating about his racial victimization.

Next subject. Remember when the US Scare jet landed on the Hudson River on January 15, 2009? Remember what caused the accident? Geese. A big flock of flying grease and poop was sucked into the aircraft’s engines sending it straight into the drink. Apparently these Canada Geese hang around New York (and everywhere else in the country) just waiting to zero in on unsuspecting aircraft. They are kind of like fanatical Muslim suicide bombers.

A Dis-Associated Press article recently indicated that there’s a battle raging over what to do about the geese. Eighteen months after the accident large flocks of geese are still in the environs of New York’s major airports – particularly JFK. Quoting from the article, “A National Park Service official told the Associated Press that, for now, his agency won’t touch the hundreds of birds living in a refuge near Kennedy airport’s runways.” ‘Our mission is to protect and preserve wildlife – that’s a law – and it isn’t a given that the removal of the geese is necessary to protect the flying public,’ said Dave Avrin, the official at the Park Service’s Gateway National Recreation Area.”

Now let’s get this straight. These flying globs of grease and poop are more important than the lives of actual human beings? Perhaps Mr. Avrin needs a whack or two with the reality paddle. Is it any wonder that no one trusts the federal government anymore? The law? Let’s pass a law that requires Mr. Avrin to be on board every single flight out of JFK as it takes off. He can then parachute back into the city after the aircraft clears the flocks of geese and be shuttled back to the airport for another go at it.

The insanity in this country reaches new heights every day.